Break ups, Stress and too much thinking

So i guess i say that a lot has changed for me since i lasted posted, My wonderful friend (I'll call him Aj)and i broke up but that was for the best after things have happen and currently i can't bring myself to text him. So yes i had a break up, and don't want to talk about it yet with many people.

  So lately I've been very, very stressed, depressed, and having a lot of anxiety attacks some caused by the break up, and yes if you haven't noticed that i actually kind of loved him so i am hurting, but also my mother has to have surgery, and I'm stuck living at home till I'm almost 21, But my old friends and my ex bf that would have been the father to my baby/babies checking in on me frequently. That's another thing that has been on my mind since almost everyone i know is pregnant is if i would have kept either of the pregnancies i would be due soon. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I'm not pregnant or a mommy just yet. 

  So I've also set the goal to lose 164 pounds within a year, I've noticed exercising and friendship bracelets. So i have plans on updating as i go. Any tips on losing extra weight would help.

Sadly i've neglected my blog

Not a whole lot has gone on, i have not moved or anything, just busy spending time with family and friends. so i am just going to have give you a few pictures till something interesting happens.

Moving date changed

So as i stated before i have plans on moving out of my parents house. Well i thought it was going to be soon than it was, I still have plans on moving hopefully within the next few months. Meaning that I'm not moving in September :/ because they didn't get the apartment. Hopefully i can get him a ride down here so we can see each other, but other than that nothing important enough to blog about. Also look for make-up looks, that i will probably be posting later on to night. 

Every feel like your hearts ripped out

Yep, well that's pretty much all i felt all day, I guess depression does rear its ugly head at the worst times. So down to less than 2 weeks before i move, My last weekend in my home town is this weekend (august 26-28), and I've barely talked to my boyfriend these passed few days, yes i know its sound like i am a fricking young teen, but I'm not and i really care for him, that's what makes the days hard, lol. That's also why my heart feels like its been ripped out. So small updates till i move, because i'll probably be with out internet for a while. Short sweet, simply, and straight to the point.

Weightloss update

Okay, so i think this is my first one, but i'm in the process of shedding pounds, just and picture update to show. I haven't weighed or measured myself, i will once i absolutely have to by new clothes.

Moving!!!

Okay so I should be doing more blogs after I move. Little bit of a back story. I've lived and moved around with my parents for the last 19 years. So, as crazy as this sounds please do not judge. I'm moving in with my boyfriend though we just started dating, I knew him all through elementary school. My parents rule isn't working for me though, I'm an adult and i have a curfew because i still live with them. I admit i had it super easy, no rent, but an ass load of chores. I decided enough was enough that it is my time to start my life. My parents support me, but are super unhappy. Okay so this was just more of a rant, and update. But i'm moving and hopefully will have more blogs to come. Pictures will be up once i move. (still 2 or so weeks away)

Life does improve

So things have most defiantly have changed for me, Lately I had been feeling down, really really depressed ( i don't want to go into the details of that though). So I am going through my normal day, I'm on facebook of course and i got what i consider to a random IM because well me and this person hadn't talked in over several year, But anyway we did the awkward hello and he told me he had a crush on me back in elementary school, which surprised me because in elementary i had super low self esteem, and i didn't think i was beautiful. so we continue to talk for a few a days ( i know this is going to sound like we rushed but,) after 4 or 5 days of talking an catching up with each other, he told me he still had a crush on me, and oddly enough i admit i was starting to have a crush on him, On my fathers birthday (Aug. 1st,2011) he asked me to be his. Since then my depression is slowly going away, Old thoughts i had are going away. He just makes me so happy, he gives me feeling that I've never had before but only time will tell. 

Life now, pregnancy and miscarriage, Parents and a horror flim

The past few months for me have been very eventful, I still live with my parents and it has been very stressful, Job hunting to get out of here is not going well on top of other things. I just got out of a odd/bad relationship, and very happy about.

Okay to start off i got pregnant back in march of this year and lost that pregnancy in April i know why too, I partied with my best friend and boyfriend and got overly buzzed ( yes i know i am under age, but my life my choice sorry). Then this past may i got pregnant again after being on birth control, well just start and the doctor i that gave the pills to me said after a week if anything were to happen i should not get pregnant. Yes, i made a stupid move with my now ex-boyfriend, and slept together without a condom. I got pregnant and had suspected it for about a month before i was sure i was pregnant, July 1st i miscarried i still suspect i may be pregnant ( i hope not)

7 weeks

8 weeks

2 weeks after leaving school/ Dropping out

Okay, so technially it is only a week, but the week before i stayed home with my bestfriend because she was sick, that following tuesday we went to school and cleaned our now old locker, we broke the news to people that had got close to us, and we even made a few cry. Thats not the point, within the two weeks we've been out of school we've had many many appointments, and more to come. Deff, not the way i thought would be, never thought i would drop out..

Really, does life ever turn out or happen the way we thought it would?

Really short i know, i'm sorry..

Comment below: if you female -i may do a few make up- tutorials

MIA-Random update.

So here lately i've been missing in action, well i have a reasons for this, I'm in school is the major reason.. but also i'm settling into having a room mate. Which is working out right now, our bedroom is trashed, and there is a lot of fighting between me and my parents now. On top of all this me and my roomie have been going to a lot of choir events this past week. and more to come. Umm other things may rise up soon not sure but we will find out next month so blogs will be less and less until at least may.

Exams and being sick

So this a random blog.

This week was exam week at my school, which is okay because it means the begining of a new trimester.... but this past weekend end my friend came and stayed with me and she is SICK like has a cold and stomach flu... well no the less i have a serve cold now... which made exams that much more exhausting for me... and to make it worse she moves in Friday and is still sick... meaning you will have a lot more blogs from me because i am sick and don't have school till march 4th. Sorry this is super short but i wanna try to get one up everyday... especially since right now i actually feel some what okay...

self image troubles-"gotta be somebody"

 



yes i ramble a lot in this.. sorry


   some things just do not make sense to me. Yes, i am a bigger person but there is nothing i can do, i already do everything that i can to get rid of this weight but people that see me don't see that and they judge me. I don't get a chance to pretty much prove i am just like everyone else, just because i am "fat". Growing up i was picked on, I mean i was called every name you can think of, i was hurt by guys that i went to  school with and i was even jumped. I don't blame them for me being big i know its not their fault. Now i still get called names and i've made enemies, but i put a front on as that i don't care (most of the time i don't) but also i to some people i make myself seem mean. Some of my friends see  the soft side of me, My parents even put me down at time. So anytime i look in a mirror i don't see anything beautiful, i see a worthless, stupid, fat woman. Thats really hard for me,i never once have felt pretty or even beautiful people now and even when i was younger (90's) were and still are mean. i've heard some people in my school now even say that "fat" people don't need love and that they are better off  alone b/c  no guy will ever want them.

We do deserve a chance just remember that.

No Catchy title- Random Life Blog- "My Sacrifice"

So much happens to me sometimes and i'm not sure i know how to explain  it. There are somethings i am thinking i will have to edit at least for a while. Okay so now, I am going to start at random places in my life and go from there. Sorry if it confusing.


     The first thing i am going to talk about happened almost 3 years ago. I was 16 the time, and i was into  a website that i shouldn't have been- "second life" for a while i was able to go through it and do things with out most of the people there knowing i was under 18 seeing it was for 18+. I admit i meant a lot of great people playing that game but that ruined a lot of things for me. So on this game i was "married" to a really great guy we talked in the game for hour  and hours sometimes getting myself in trouble w/ my parents.. sometimes not getting up for school b/c i was up all night, well a lot of that changed when he move from  georgia back to his parents house. "Fred"(*In game name, i'm not going to say last names*) was gone for almost a week, And the woman "Wendy" that i had consider my sister in this game Also had her step son in game he was 17  at the time. He had told me before that he really did like me.. so in this time behind everyones back me and him started dating. Eventally we took it in game so we could do stuff till he came to my state, He had already purposed to me and we were engaged. Well his step mother decide to check his account and email and seen all of this and went right to "fred", that night in game i lost My in game husband and my sister, but that didn't stop me and him we just hid it more.. but we were found out, I did stuff that i am not proud of.. he ruined my trust with men and woman.... and also it broke my heart.

I did not post this to get dogged out.. so please do not leave rude comments.